Not good enough
by Fafa Fai
Summary: He was too blind to see how much the person who lived next to him, with him, was hurting and needed help. When he was finally able to see what was wrong it was too late, Tony was already too far gone. Deals with mental illness.
**Hello, guys! This won't be a long story, I just wanted to explore inside Tony's head and came out with this. You already know I don't have a beta so please be patient with mistakes you find** **Thanks.**

 **Pairing: DiNozzo/McGee, but the whole team is present.**

 **Warning: Depiction of mental illness and suicide attempt.**

 **Part one: Not good enough.**

So here I am and all I can think about is you.

I know it's hard to believe, I know you won't believe me. But I do think about you and how much I wish you would be here.

I miss you and I'm sorry how things ended between us. But it is better this way, it is better that you're there and I'm here and that now you have time to forget about me and all we lived together.

I'm really sorry, but it's better this way. This way when I'm finally gone you won't have to cry for me, you won't have to suffer because I'm gone. And when I'm gone you'll be finally free.

See, this is the reason why I refused to be with you at first. I knew I wasn't good enough, strong enough. I knew I would give up sooner or later. I knew it would get worst and I wouldn't be strong enough to escape from it.

I'm sorry.

She said the same to me. I'm sorry. And I hope you won't hate me after I do this, I hope you don't hate me the same way I hated her after she did it.

I hate her for being so weak, so easy to defeat, so pathetic. She should have stopped it, she should have been stronger, but she gave up. She ran away from all.

And now I know how it feels; how weak and pathetic it made her feel. Now I know why she did it.

She did it because she was tired, she was alone. And that's why I hate her. I was there, I loved her and I wanted to make her happy but she ran away and let it go. She ended it. She didn't care what I had to say or how I would feel. She just left me alone.

I'm sorry Tim. I'm sorry and I hope you don't hate me.

This is too much. I just can't do it anymore.

It is better this way, it is better if I'm gone. This way you won't have to suffer anymore.

I'm sorry and I love you.

 **Part two: Just Hold On**

McGee liked to think he was a good person. He liked to think he was a good person who was always there for those who were in needs. He liked to think that, although he couldn't save everyone, he was able to keep his loved ones safe. But he failed.

He failed hard.

He was too blind to see how much the person who lived next to him, with him, was hurting and needed help. When he was finally able to see what was wrong it was too late, Tony was already too far gone.

If you were to ask him when it all started he would tell you that it all happened too fast, but the true was that Tony has been sick for a long time and his friends were too scared to admit it. The confusion, the occasional memory loss, the constant sadness, the fake smiles, not wanting to go out…it has been happening for a long time and nobody paid attention. Nobody wanted to see beyond the frat boy persona, nobody wanted to see that there might be something not okay.

But now was not the time for a blame contest.

They had things to do. They had to find Tony before it all went from bad to worst.

Oh, Tim knew it won't be easy but he rather have Tony in a psychiatric ward than six feet under.

And that's why he needed to hurry. He needed to find Tony before his psychosis got worse (if that was possible) and he ended like his mother.

 _Just hold on for me, Tony. Hold on!_

 **Part two: When there's love**

This was his mother's last gift and in a sick way he was thankful for it. At least now he knew what his mother went through before her death.

He felt close to her. He could hear her voice. He had missed her voice so much. He missed her so much that it hurt.

Everything went to hell after she was gone. Everything was a mess because of him. His father wanted him to be perfect and now, thanks to his mother, he would be.

It was wrong but he didn't feel alone anymore. His mother was now with him.

NCIS

The police got a call from a woman describing a man with Tony's feature behaving strangely in her backyard. The woman was scared; she thought the man was there to harm her.

Gibbs now had the address, and even he wasn't bastard enough to deny McGee when the younger man begged to come with him. It could be another false lead but they had to make sure.

NCIS

It was obvious the man was sick. He seemed to be talking with someone only he could hear. He didn't seem to be aware of where he was.

Maybe he wasn't sick, maybe he was high. Yeah, that would explain the faraway look. But he didn't look like a junkie, he had nice hands and his face wasn't gaunt.

Well, whatever it was it didn't matter right now. Moira already allowed the guy inside her home. She just hoped he didn't turn out to be a serial killer or rapist. She really hoped he didn't kill her.

Moira must be crazy, letting a stranger inside her home. Feeding him hot soup and cleaning his face and hands to make sure he wasn't hurt. It was dangerous, she was certain her husband and kids would freak out when they find out but what else could she do? The guy could die out there!

NCIS

McGee didn't wait for Gibbs to park the car, he jumped right after the car barely stopped and ignored Ziva's call for him to slow down.

McGee didn't need to knock or ring the bell, the door opened before he needed to. An older woman was in front of him and McGee could see she was nervous. He wanted to reassure her but all he was capable of doing right now was thinking about how Tony and if he really was in there. _Is he here? Is he okay? Would he even know it's me?_

"You are not the police" The woman said with a frown and before she could close the door Gibbs got in front of her showing his ID.

Gibbs didn't have to say a word, the woman's eyes widened and she gasped. "He's the guy who went missing months ago?"

Gibbs breathed deeply; it wouldn't do to yell at her to open the damn door so he could see his agent and make sure he was alright. "We need to see him to make sure."

The woman blushed and with a small smile allowed the three agents inside. "He's in the kitchen. I tried to calm him down but I think he didn't even hear me."

McGee and Gibbs barely heard what she said. After she pointed when the kitchen was they almost ran to get there.

NCIS

It was him.

He was thin and his clothes were a mess but it was him.

It was Tony.

McGee could barely think straight. He prayed for Tony to be found alive and now that he had McGee had no idea what to say or do.

Gibbs pushed past McGee and went to Tony's side. He took a deep breath and turned Tony's head to him.

"Hey, do you know who I am?" He asked almost afraid of the answer. If what doctors said was correct then Tony could be so far gone he didn't recognize who was in front of him. "Do you remember your name?"

They waited for Tony to say something but all he did was look at Gibbs.

"An ambulance is waiting outside; I believe Tony needs medical assistance." Ziva said to them.

McGee took a deep breath and went to Tony. He was freaking out, he didn't know what to do but Tony didn't need to see him losing it. Although he wasn't sure Tony would notice it.

"Hello, love." Tim talked gently while holding Tony's hand. "We've come to take you home." He smiled but his eyes were bright. "I've come to take you home. We are here to help you, you are safe now."

Tony followed Tim's voice and for a moment there was recognition in his eyes. Tony didn't talk but he grabbed the hand that held his.

Tim closed his eyes for a moment and exhaled. "Okay, I need you to stand up for me and follow me, okay?"

Gibbs helped Tony to his feet while Ziva went for the paramedics. Tony was taken to the living room and sat in what looked like a comfortable sofa.

Moira just allowed these strangers do whatever they needed, she was afraid of doing something wrong and scaring the guy…Tony, his name was Tony. She watched with a heavy heart how Tony was injected a sedative when he got combative after one of the paramedics went to examine him.

She wanted to hug the other young man when he wiped away tears after Tony was carried away in the gurney.

"Thank you for your help, we've been looking for him for a long time." Ziva said with shaky voice. "You might have saved his life."

Moira shrugged. "I did what I thought was best."

Ziva gave her a relieved look and with another thank you followed her co-workers.


End file.
